@IamEnidColeslaw: if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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@3sunzzz: [aquarium exit] Excuse me ma'am, would you mind opening your bag? I beg your pardon?! OPEN YOUR BAG *opens bag and reveals two penguins*
@underchilde: I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@Tmoney68: Coworker: What a crazy weekend! Me: *takes a knee* CW: What are you doing? M: Protesting this conversation.