if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
😂 amazing answer
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Interior design 👌
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”