@IamEnidColeslaw: if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
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@Tmoney68: The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
@justabloodygame: [shopping for make-up] "Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?" "I know exactly what you need." [boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
@tastefactory: People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
@2tickytacky: I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?