If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
You Might Also Like
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Happy Star Wars day!
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.