If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
What flavor cupcake are these
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat