If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.