I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
why would tinder want me to say this
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
They grow up so quick
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’