Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Cinematography is my passion
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I’m not proud
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.