If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun