If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
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65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out