If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
You Might Also Like
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Cake!!
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Strange
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Today’s Times
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.