Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”