If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)