If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
You Might Also Like
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I get distracted pretty eas
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…