[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
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I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.