If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Is your wife single?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher