@lecalabara: If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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@ShesARealGenius: On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
@stephenjmolloy: [Quiz show] Host: "Stephen that is the... CORRECT ANSWER!!" Me: "Oh my. I can't believe it!" Host: "Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!" Me: "This is amaz- what did you just say?"