If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you