If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
the composer