I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.