If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
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No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
So that’s what we looked like?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Reporter: *ports again*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.