@jwoodham: If I'd been around in France when Marie Antoinette said "let them eat cake," I would've been like "wait a minute, let's hear this lady out."
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@NurseKimaaa: It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house.
@TheToddWilliams: MOM: What did you learn at summer camp? KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud MOM: A generator? For what? KID: To charge our iPods
@Staggfilms: Me: You can't fire me, I quit! Boss: You can't quit, I fired you! Me: You can't quit me, I'm fire! Boss:... *our eyes lock and we kiss*