If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Stick it to the man
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.