So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft