How I’d get arrested…
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Home #decor warning.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
accurate
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.