@gwatts77: If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.
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@dafloydsta: Doc: I'm afraid you got 6 months to live Me: Why are YOU afraid? Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
@dreamthievin: Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
@sulkywhitegirl: I like how my autocorrect changes "hun" to "Hun," like I'm playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
@KenTremendous: "Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker." "Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?" "Seems fine."