I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Well, that didn’t work.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Battery falling down a hole