@PurrrrrfectCat: If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.
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@fabulouscop: *man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"
@NottaBigDeal: I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn't want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.
@foodfacenow: Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe* Her: OMG, can this date get any better Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
@lovemydogduck: I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.