I am a gravy boat captain
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Fight
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*