If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”