Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question