If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.