@Fickle_Filly: If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.
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@Jez1: You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@AndrewNadeau0: HER: *Points to my dish* I'll have what he's having ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine H: No, I mea- M:*To waiter* Tell her it's mine
@OBiiieeee: I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out. Back to having zero haters, feels good.