@Fickle_Filly: If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.
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@SamReidSays: Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
@MafiaJoker78: New neighbours just moved in... I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.
@HenpeckedHal: Autocorrect changed "decaffeinated" to "defecated", and despite what my wife may claim, I'm pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you. You're on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.