If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
What
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.