If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
#damn
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
mood
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.