If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.