If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
You Might Also Like
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”