@LuvPug: If I'm ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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@SergioValenCo: If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
@Kyle_Lippert: I'm such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
@ericsshadow: 7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
@dulcetry: [Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS