If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!