If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit