Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*