@WilliamAder: If I'm ever captured as a spy, all they'd have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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@Brianhopecomedy: 2 year old runs naked down the street. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww." I run naked down the street. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
@Vodkantots: The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else's birthday.
@FeralCrone: A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can't be too sure.
@laurajennyjo: *knock knock* Go away I'm not home "I can hear you" I can hear you too..go away "I brought food" What kind of food