If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
me hitting on a model
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Brands during Pride
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.