@HumanPog: If I'm ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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@trims_the_fat: I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. "Making breakfast. ;)" "Walking the dog. ;)" "Broke in to your house ;)"
@TheRolo: Date: So what do you do for fun? Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail] I love bird watching.
@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.