If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.