KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Happy Star Wars day!
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.