If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants