If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius