If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.