If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Mission: Impossible
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
nice challenge
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss