Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
You Might Also Like
Flock of bats
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.