If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Harsh but fair
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together