If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*seductively eats two tums*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I only eat vegetarians.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato