Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
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How did we not see this back then?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch