If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.