If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”