If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
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doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.