If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
You Might Also Like
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up